Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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