did you get engaged???
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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