Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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