yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
