I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
