I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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