You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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