Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
