That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need a beard to bite.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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