so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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