Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
be right there i have to get my cape
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
