chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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