I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
