Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
