when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
