So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
