So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
