ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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