at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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