you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
