I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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