his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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