The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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