Please, let me fuck your mom
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
