Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
