remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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