Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
