wrigley field is MILF paradise
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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