I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
