Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
