my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
