I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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