Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
