You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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