I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize