She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
