Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
