i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
