dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
