i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
