i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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