What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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