My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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