Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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