I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
