I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
