How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
