life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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