Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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