im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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