A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
