Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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