i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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