She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
