oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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