you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
