WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
