Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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