just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
