This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
