Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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