if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
