he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
