Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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