is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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