Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
