He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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