i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
